4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
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Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
79.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?