[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
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I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
this is how life feels
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.