{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
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Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread