Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
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Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.