“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
You Might Also Like
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking