Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
You Might Also Like
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.