@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
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2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
my fav colour is also hitler
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.