Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs