You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
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Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
this is the best interaction on twitter
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
There’s never enough good news
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt