Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
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If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!