INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
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When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
A bold strategy
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend