In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
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The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
This rocks
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Whoa 😂
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice