How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
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My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Bond. Trauma bond.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time