I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
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Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Finally, an explanation.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”