I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
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DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Easy enough.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round