Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
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a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Friends that check up on you >
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.