If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
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I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.