My life coach traded me.
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My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
New favorite tiktok
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
A French press is when you hug naked
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.