MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
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Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Many hands make light work
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.