This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
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Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
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