Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
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Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.