Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
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ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?