[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
You Might Also Like
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Day 2 of my diet
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.