Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
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Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.