my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
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WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?