Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
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*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Holy crap this is wonderful
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
lol
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?