Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
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Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves