These are too funny not to post 😂
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If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.