Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
You Might Also Like
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Mission: Impossible
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.