Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
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Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.