Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
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{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Me if I was a dog
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
marvel comics have peaked
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.