me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
You Might Also Like
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??