“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
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Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson