Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
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I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago