It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
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[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.