Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
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I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Feels like there should be a middle ground