Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail