Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
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Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I’ve had worse
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
he was correct