[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
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when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?