[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
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“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
#ParentingFacts
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.