I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
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If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
never forget
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”