I love hard, but I stupid harder.
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dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute