When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
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Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
This rocks
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
i love modern commerce
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?