“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
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If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.