If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
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there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends