When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
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roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.