A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
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[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Breaking news:
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
my proudest tweet
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I bet birds love this building.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett