If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
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Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.