My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
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I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Got him!