I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
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.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps